This page was entered from my paper diary with additional comments from memory, between
11 April 2017 and 13 April 2017. Items from
memory are shown in brown. Items in italics, like
this, were added at this time.
Back home with Doris for dinner. I rather like
the girl, and as expected, I got her into bed relatively easily. She rather upset me with
her statement „Ich bin nur ein Abenteuer für Dich“. No, I'm not like
that. Marijke may (currently) be number
one, but I'm sincere when I mean that there could be potential in this relationship.
To the phone box this evening to ring up Mechtild, who was disappointingly not there -
mother suggested I ring back in the morning. Saw Heidi Sopper there, who had promised to
see me some time this week, obviously waiting for someone and giving me not a sign of
recognition. Ah well, what do I want with a 15-year old, anyway - except that she's
beautiful, tall and randy? Easy come, easy go.
Once again has Marijke nearly broken my
heart. After such a wonderful day on Saturday (well, comparatively), she didn't turn up
today, didn't contact me, and was either not at home or didn't answer the
door. Marijke, why do you do this to
me? I am more nearly in love with you than with anybody since Sue Fortescue. And why? I
wish I knew. The last time I went to the house, there was definitely somebody there - I
heard her shut a window - but I think (hope!) it
was Jatranka.
Marijke, why do I love you? Is it
because you remind me of Sue? (She's got a lot more than date of birth in common with her).
Oh God, why all this anxiety? We've hardly even got off the ground, and already I'm
suffering as if she were Sue being untrue to me.
Oh, Marijke,
Marijke!
So this morning she came to my office, for the first time ever, looking deservedly sheepish,
and asked if I were angry with here. Seemed that she had tried to ring me (while I was ringing on her door, in fact); had had a
baby-sitting job to do, thus the absence. She had not got home until 8 pm, , so there she
might be forgiven. Intent on coming out tonight, but work load (overtime until 2200)
forbade it. Jatranka is another story -
she came solicioutously [sic] to me, asking if I had
seen Marijke yesterday, feigning to have
not been there; the window could have been shut by flat sharer (komischer arrangement: 2
flats with mutual access: girl's name struck me as Rösser - since I knew the Rossers
of Sandakan), which I might have
believed, but Marijke did not entertain
for a moment - zumal the Rösser doesn't get home until 1900.
So Jatranka is jealous. What does she want
me to do - make love to her to get even for her annoying me? Fuck you!
Back home with Marijke tonight, and
finally got her into bed. You can tell she's not experienced. But there's potential. She didn't want to stay the night, but there will be
more.
This evening I am feeling slightly depressed - not so much at what has happened, though
there is cause enough, but at what it leaves me.
Oh Marijke, think again; I'm not as
insane as you think! The problem is there seems to be almost overlap in our lives: she's
female, I'm male, we're both Australian computer programmers - but what lest? I think we
are both forced to decide: nothing. Poor Ellen - I think she'll be more disappointed than
anyone. But Marijke's arrogance! Here
she is, having hardly come to grips with the realities of life (dropout of Uni, wandering aimlessly
round the world, not knowing what she wants to do, full of complexes and trusting nobody
(she's worried about her face, her weight, her smoking (though she won't admit it), her
sexual urges (finally satisfied on Wednesday, when she proved beyond all doubt that she had
more drive than velocity), her nakedness (offshoot of last and last - 3, I think), etc.), no
particularly stable life form or attempt (no, that's not fair; but she's only recently
started thinking about it), etc.))). OK, so I shoot off my mouth in public, not just some
of the time, but surely that's not reason to accuse me of immaturity?
If so, I never matured.
And then, as yesterday, she gets all oversensitive and upset for reasons which she won't
explain to me. Ah well, it is her period, and maybe things will be better next week. But
what's make her think that all females see me the way she does? And what good does she
think she's doing by suggesting I find myself some nice 16-year old? The funny thing is, we
get on all right when we're alone together; she says I behave differently in company, which
is definitely the case; but it must be due at least as much to her different reactions in
company, because generally in company I respect her worries more.
Oh Marijke, find out first what you
want!
2205 hrs: Hesse has said it for me!
After a bit more thinking abut the nature of the difference
between Marijke and me, I came to the
conclusion that she was too superficial in her attitudes, too interesting in a scheinen and
not enough sein: in this respect it is interesting that she mentioned that Sister Olga likes
me (German/American nun staying with the Spears (that's another point: how
does Marijke get people's names so
incredibly often distorted? She still thinks Leslie's surname is Spears, and not Spear; and
what she does to Jatranka's name doesn't
bear thinking about), nice but a bit gushing, but obviously has some depth to her. I'm glad
she likes me: counts a lot more to me that
Leslie, Marijke and Mr. Spear put
together). Reminded that Marita came to this
conclusion the first time she
met Marijke. Back to Hesse: I picked
up Demian, which I am reading, and the
first thing I read was: „Für sie war die Menschheit - welche sie liebten wie wir - etwas Fertiges, das erhalten und
geschützt werden mußte. Für uns war die Menschheit eine ferne Zukunft, nach welcher wir
alle unterwegs waren, deren Bild niemand kannte, deren Gesetze nirgend geschrieben
standen.“ Marita, whose book it is, had
even put a red felt-tip line beside the 2nd sentence, a practice I detest;
but Marita has a lot more depth
than Marijke is prepared to show.
Is Marijke really as superficial as she
appears. What a shame if she is!
