Greg's diary
October 1973
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This page was entered from my paper diary on 13 April 2017.

Thursday, 4 October 1973 LB
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Amazing how little I know about myself or anybody else. What the hell ever made me get mixed up with Marijke or her crowd? Surely at this stage in my life I should know what my aims are, what sort of woman would match with me, or whatever. I suppose I could excuse myself with some offshoot of partioticism [sic], which is in any case somewhat reduced since meeting some Aussie nongs in London last month while working with Rummel on the U1110. [But why consider them typical? After all, in any society I would only choose the best 2% according to my criteria]. Still, now there is Doris, whom I have known for over 3 months, and hardly mentioned, but who has suddenly become important to me; last weekend i proposed to her, for reasons beyond my comprehension - but oh Doris, I do love you, and maybe you really are my chosen Lebensgefährtin. Oh Doris, I miss you anyway, and what the hell. Maybe Leone is right - I am being too fussy. But then, I compare all women to her...

Wednesday, 17 October 1973 LB
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Do I really love Doris more than I did Sue? Or is it just the effects of the passage of time? On my on-line memory alone not,

“On-line” meaning directly accessible, as opposed to being backed up on tape.

then I have this diary as a backup, and that shows precious little of emotional intent towards Sue (when it's all boiled down, and assuming no main memory failures, I didn't really get that romantically (as opposed, in all senses, to sexually) deeply involved with Sue for at least 8 months. The companionship was there before that, but love? I hate to say nasty things about Sue, I only wish I knew myself: experience is supposed to be the best teacher, but it's not much good if you forget it.

And looking back from 44 years later, it's clear how easy it is to forget the details. But looking back from that perspective, I think that my purpose in writing the diary changed between 1970 and 1973, so these considerations are not overly useful.

Ach, zum Teufel! Doris, ich will Dich lieben, wie sonst Mann nie Frau geliebt hat! Ich habe nur Angst um meine und deine Menschlichkeit, und daß due meinst, ich brauche nur einmal untreu zu sein,um dich dazu zu veranlassen, mich zu verlassen. Das kann ich aber nicht glauben: ich möchte es fast daher ausprobieren, doch kann ich dir nicht untreu sein: wohl aber mit einem anderen Mädchen schlafen, was mir was völlig anderes ist.

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